S4E28 - Circling

On this episode, I explore the cost of not choosing.

Not as a character flaw, but as something that happens when we keep revisiting the same decision without ever making it.

I talk about how avoiding commitment keeps us stuck in potential, why the language we use around indecision is often just a cover for staying comfortable, and how the slow drift of not choosing eventually becomes a direction of its own.

If you've ever found yourself circling the same decision, telling yourself you're still figuring it out, or wondering why nothing seems to move, this episode is for you.

We hope you enjoy this one.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Something came to mind when you hit play. You've thought about it before, you understand it, but you haven't moved. You're not confused. You're just avoiding the moment.

SPEAKER_01 0:11

You have to own what comes next. At work, in relationships, and in our own thinking, and what it really means to take responsibility without turning that into self-blame. Through conversations and topical episodes, we look closely and honestly at what went wrong and what comes next. That thing that came to mind when you hit play, that decision that you keep circling. That's what we're getting into today. And before we do, I want to name something clearly, because most people who are sitting in this aren't confused. They aren't indecisive. They're doing something specific. And once you see it, you can't unsee it. Being confused means that you don't have all the information that you need to make an informed choice. You're missing something, a piece of the puzzle, data points, whatever. But that's not what this is. This is not confusion. You have all the information that you need. You can make the choice. You're just avoiding the commitment. You're avoiding what's required to make that decision. Not choosing is its own choice. You will be left with a decision at some point. It may just not be of your making. You're avoiding the cost of that decision. And that could look like a lot of things in your life. Maybe in dating, you're not putting a label on it, as they say. You it remains undefined on purpose. You like them, you want to tell them, but you don't. You don't because you fear the cost if you were to say something. So you're reacting, you're not choosing, you're letting the thing just kind of flow. In your work, it could be that you want more. You want a raise, you want more responsibility, you want to transition laterally. You want maybe you want something entirely different. But you just don't make any moves. You don't make any decisions, you don't act. Endlessly updating your resume and your LinkedIn is not sending out applications. That's not making contacts and connections. Constant preparation is not progress. Internally, these show up as the same question with no new information, no action. You're just circling.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

You're not exploring, you're circling. What you're actually doing is keeping your options open.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

By not making a choice, you leave a door open. Because leaving the door open means that you always have access to that. So you have to close the door. Choosing one thing means not choosing something else. That is a cost of a choice. By not choosing, you're avoiding being wrong, because if you don't make a decision, then you can't make the wrong decision, right? That can't, you can't be wrong, technically. So what you're doing is staying in one space. You're you're living in potential instead of accountability. But you're not protecting yourself from a bad outcome.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

You're just protecting yourself from being responsible for one.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

The reason that you do this is you want certainty before you commit to something. We all want some level of certainty, but that's just not how things work. So you don't choose to pursue this one person as a dating partner because you want to know that it's going to work out before you commit to it. You don't pursue the job. You don't uh take a chance on starting a business because you don't want to fail. So you want certainty that it's going to work before you commit to that. You don't want to close doors because closed doors, they are no longer potential for you. And potential is where you're living. You don't want to be wrong about yourself. You don't want to make that decision and then find out it was the wrong one all along. The potential of something feels safer because it hasn't failed yet. And so you circle that, living there and then in that potential rather than just making a choice and making something happen. You say, I'm just figuring it out, but just six months in, or eight months in, or even a year or more in, that's not a process anymore. That's stalling, that's delaying the inevitable, that's delaying the choice. And you're forcing your circumstances to choose for you. You say, I'm just waiting to see how it goes. But waiting is not a strategy. When you do that in a relationship, for instance, waiting to see how it goes means you're just hanging back. You're not showing up, you're not committing, you're not doing your part. So that's not gonna go anywhere, especially if both people in that relationship are just waiting to see how it goes. Waiting is not a strategy. Some people like to say, oh, it just hasn't worked out, or it just didn't work out, or the relationship, as an example again, fizzled out. Relationships don't fizzle. Nothing happens because you didn't do anything. A relationship doesn't just become ethereal dust and then blow away in the wind. If you don't show up, if you don't make a choice, then nothing happens. Same thing with your job, with the business you want to start, with the book that you want to write, with whatever it is that you're trying to do. If you're doing nothing, if you're not showing up, if you are not making something happen, nothing is going to happen. So you can't say it just didn't work out or it just hasn't worked out yet, because you're doing nothing.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

You're sitting and waiting, you're circling the choice.

SPEAKER_01 6:16

There's a cost to this, and it's a big cost, whether it feels like it or not, because time disappears quietly. You don't notice it until you look back. You don't realize all that time is gone until you look back at the time lost. You wake up one day and you're 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 and everything's gone. The time is gone. And you look back and wonder, man, what did I do with all that time? People say time flies when you're having fun, but it also flies when you're doing nothing. Every time you revisit something, a choice that you need to make, and you don't move on it, you don't make a decision. You trust yourself just a little less. So the next time you're up against another decision that you have to make, you don't have the faith in yourself and the trust in yourself to make a choice. You're constantly afraid it will be the wrong one. The situation doesn't stay neutral when you live this way, it degrades. Everything begins to degrade because it permeates everything that you do. When you can't make one choice, then you can't make another choice, and it just builds and it builds.

SPEAKER_00 7:29

And then eventually it crumbles. What was a choice becomes a circumstance, and what becomes a circumstance becomes a pattern.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

And that pattern is where you find yourself circling and not making choices. That pattern of avoidance, avoiding this decision, avoiding that decision, avoiding this choice, keeping all your doors open.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

You don't drift into a better life. You drift into whatever requires the least from you. More thinking is not going to change it. That is not what changes your circumstances.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

You've done enough thinking. You thought, you thought, you've written, you thought, you've done this, you've asked your friends, you've asked your family, you've asked your coworkers, and you've you've gone to Chad GPT, you've done all the things and you've asked yourself all the questions, and you just keep thinking, but that's not getting you anywhere. The next move is right in front of you, and it's already clear what you have to do. But you're still avoiding the cost, not the decision.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

The cost. And if you're not willing to lose something, you're not actually choosing anything.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

If no one can see your decision, then you probably haven't made one.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

You have to pick a direction, accept the trade-off, and stop revisiting it. Make the choice. You already know where this applies in your own life. You already know what the decision is.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

You've just been hoping that you won't have to make it. But again, not choosing is still a choice. You are still making a choice even if you fail to actively, proactively choose.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

You just see the cost slower. It shows up slower. So, as always, I will leave you with this question. What kind of person are you willing to be if nothing is guaranteed? Be honest about what's happening.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

Take responsibility for your part, and don't let pain turn you into something smaller than you are. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on Points of Failure. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please share it with anyone you think might also enjoy it. And if you'd like the show, please consider supporting it. It's the support of listeners like you that keeps us going. If you'd like to help, there's a link in the show notes. If you want to follow the show, the website is www.points of failure.buzzsprout.com. And you can find us on Facebook and Instagram as FailurePoints Pod and on Twitter as Failure Points. Please like and share, and remember to rate and review the show on whichever podcast platform you use. The ratings and reviews really help and keep us going. If you'd like to contact us directly with questions or guest suggestions, you can email us at failurepointspod at gmail.com. Again, thank you for listening. We'll see you next time on Points of Failure.