Points of Failure is a podcast about what actually goes wrong, and the part people don't want to look at.
Most conversations about failure happen after it's been cleaned up, framed, and turned into a lesson. This one starts at the breakdown and works backward. Through guest interviews and solo episodes, we examine the patterns behind failure in work, relationships, identity, and decision-making, with a bias toward what people are avoiding rather than what they're processing.
If you're noticing a pattern you can't explain away anymore, you're probably in the right place.
On this episode, I follow up on my conversation with Dustin about whether healthy relationships are transactional.
I unpack why that word made me bristle, the difference between giving to get and giving freely while expecting reciprocity, and how unclear expectations can quietly turn compromise into sacrifice.
If you’ve ever struggled to know when you’re flexing in a healthy way and when you’re slowly absorbing more than your share, this episode is for you.
You can support the show by going to: https://pointsoffailure.buzzsprout.com
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I want you to think about the last time you said I don't expect anything. Did you really mean it? Or did you mean I don't want to be disappointed? Because there is a difference. Welcome to Points of Failure. I'm your host, Steve Cothran. On Points of Failure, we explore the quiet ways things break down at work, in relationships, and our own thinking, and what it really means to take responsibility without turning it into self-blame. Through conversations and topical episodes, we look honestly at what went wrong and what comes next. A couple of weeks ago, I had my first guest co-host, Dustin Solomon, and we had a conversation about compromise and sacrifice. And in that conversation, he said something that really stuck with me. He said healthy relationships are transactional. I didn't disagree with him. I disagreed with the word. Because when I hear transactional, I think, you know, do this to get that. Strategic affection, conditional generosity. It's like emotional accounting. But that isn't love. And if I'm honest, I do expect things. I expect effort, respect, and honesty, contribution. And so do you. We all do. So the real question isn't whether relationships involve exchange. I think the question is motive. Are you giving to get something? Or are you giving because you want to while still choosing relationships where giving flows both directions? That distinction is where compromise stays healthy and where sacrifice begins. That's what I want to clarify today. I bristled. I did. And I've been thinking about why that is. And so this episode is going to be a refinement of my position, sort of live. When I hear the term transactional, I think do this to get that. I think about, you know, affection being a maneuver, a strategic thing where I'm giving this affection to someone. I'm giving my love because I want something back. You know, like conditional generosity, uh, leverage disguised as love and not truly love. But that framing, it feels like manipulation. It's scorekeeping, you know, the covert contracts I've mentioned before. I did this, so now you owe me this. And that's not love. And that's what made me stop. It made me bristle. It made me, you know, it gave me pause. I kind of was like, ooh, gasp, suck in the air in the room. And I think that's because my I had an old philosophy. I once I used to say that the road to disappointmentville is paved with expectations. And I was in preservation mode with that. I, you know, if you don't expect anything, right, then you can't be disappointed. If I don't expect you to make me happy when you don't, I won't be sad about it. It's giving without needing return. That's what that's where I lived. You know, uh the I misunderstood the the Buddhist concept of expect nothing and accept everything. And I thought I understood it because underneath that philosophy was a protection against abandonment, protection against resentment, against loss. It had wisdom for me at the time, but really it was it was armor. And I think there's a difference between my view where I was prior to that conversation about transactional relationships and what they really are, the difference between giving to get something in return and giving freely while expecting reciprocity. When you're giving to get something, you're motivated by the outcome. That's that outcome dependence. The transaction is it's unhealthy in that case because it builds resentment. And it's often not even, it's often unspoken. We don't even say it out loud that we have this list of expectations. But giving freely, well, that's motivated by by your values. It's it's not bargaining. You're not extracting something, but you still expect mutual investment over time. I think that, if I miss, if I understand uh Dustin correctly, I think that was the point was that that relationships have to be transactional in the sense that you're both giving, so that you're both getting. And that's the that's the healthy space, the reciprocal space that relationship exists in is the healthy one. I think the key might be that motivation determines whether something is manipulation or alignment, because exchange itself is not the problem. Hidden leverage is the problem. Honestly, I don't think it's possible to truly live without any expectations. As much as I used to say, expect nothing. I I think I was I think I was pointing myself in the right direction. We all expect something. We all have expectations. We want to be respected. We want our partner to give effort. We want honesty. We want affection, stability, contribution, we want those mutual things. We don't show up to relationships and stay there where we don't get those things. Nobody wants to be in a one-way relationship. Saying I have no expectations, usually that really means that you're suppressing your expectations. You're unaware of them or you're protecting yourself. And I think that's where I was. Um, I was protecting myself. I no longer suppress my expectations, but I think that I was just living in a space where I would expect something from someone, but not actually expect them to deliver. It was a bizarre confusion. And I don't think that I could actually explain that very well. So I've changed. I've evolved based on my conversation with Dustin, you know, new information, right? So my old model was to eliminate expectations, to do the best I can to not need something in return, to be able to live without it. But I don't think that's healthy. I think that is a method of suppression of ourselves, of myself in this case. So I've refined my position. Now I think that the key, and I think I would have said this previously, but may have confused the the uh the delivery. The key is to clarify expectations, to know what they are. And you start with the values, right? I have to know what I value so that I know what I expect, so that I can clarify them. Like, right, I have those clear those expectations clear in my own head, and I can communicate them clearly so that there's no misunderstandment, misunderstanding, excuse me. And then I can choose a relationship that is in alignment with my values. I can choose a person who wants to live in that same space. Because expectations are not about control, they're about valuing ourselves. So compromise is a shared adjustment. It's evenly distributed weight in the relationship, uh, and it makes the relationship sustainable because you do have to compromise sometimes, and that's that's okay, as long as you're not compromising on your values, because then that's when you slip into a sacrifice. Because in sacrifice, one person is absorbing the cost or their or the um their own identity is eroding and there's resentment there, and it's imbalance over time. So the bridge is when reciprocity disappears, compromise drifts into sacrifice. That's how that happens. And I think here's where it really matters. If you reject all of your expectations, you will tolerate imbalance longer than you should. And if you give demanding repayment, you weaponize contribution. I'll repeat those because that's dramatic and effective, right? If you reject all expectations, you tolerate imbalance longer than you should. And if you give demanding repayment, you weaponize contribution. And both of those are distortions. I think the healthy version is I give to you because I want to. I also expect alignment over time. And if the balance of the weight begins to shift one way, then I reassess this relationship, my position, my place in it. There's no punishment, there's no ledger, there's no martyrdom. Not choosing is also a choice. When you refuse to prioritize your values, you stretch yourself too thin. You compromise everywhere and you sacrifice often without realizing it. You would might just call it compromise, but really you're sacrificing what you need and what you want. And if everything matters equally, then nothing is anchored. Clear values make compromise clean and clear and simple. Maybe not simple, but clean and clear anyway. And unclear values make sacrifices inevitable. You will end up sacrificing if you don't know what you value and you don't know what you want in your relationship. So I want to say I didn't change my values in this case. I refined the language that I use because the way that Dustin presented this idea of transactional relationships, at first I didn't like it because I didn't like the word. I was hung up on that word. I just refined my language. So maybe reciprocal is a good way to say it, that relationships have to be reciprocal. I don't know. If you don't like transactional, maybe we find a new word. I don't know. But the key here is, like I said, I did not change my values. My values are the same. I simply refined the language that I'm using. And I've, you know, I think I have a better understanding of where he's coming from. And I find myself agreeing with him on the concept. So I separated motive from exchange, and I just stopped confusing detachment with wisdom because that's I think where I was trying to go with detaching myself from my needs and, you know, all these things and being outcome independent and all that. And those are important things. It's important to be outcome independent, but detachment is a that's a tricky space, and uh maybe I should do an episode on that sometime. So I think the key here is that love should be given freely and participation in the relationship is conditional on reciprocity. And I think now a good reminder for all of us, especially myself, is that growth is not about abandoning your old ideas necessarily. It's about adjusting them until they hold weight. Now, sometimes you do abandon the old ideas with new information, but I think typically we just have to refine a bit over time and until we get to a place where we fully understand our values, we can communicate them. And, you know, sometimes you change your mind about things, and that's okay. So, as always, I leave you with this. What kind of person are you willing to be if nothing is guaranteed? Be honest about what's happening. Take responsibility for your part, and don't let pain turn you into something smaller than you are. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on Points of Failure.
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I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you did, please share it with anyone you think might also enjoy it. And if you'd like the show, please consider supporting it. It's the support of listeners like you that keeps us going. If you'd like to help, there's a link in the show notes. If you want to follow the show, the website is www.points of failure.buzzsprout.com. And you can find us on Facebook and Instagram as FailurePoints Pod and on Twitter as FailurePoints. Please like and share, and remember to rate and review the show on whichever podcast platform you use. The ratings and reviews really help and keep us going. If you'd like to contact us directly with questions or guest suggestions, you can email us at failurepointspod at gmail.com. Again, thank you for listening. We'll see you next time on Points of Failure.
